Wow, stop the presses! We have officially found the most dateable guy on the face of the planet and nobody else matters! YourTango found this Craigslist post filed under “Top 10 reasons to date me!!!” (I think this guy could use some help):

1) 6’1 – No high heels needed on your part. I don’t even get this. So girls need to wear high heels around short guys? This guy is way too smart for me. (See #s 3 and 7.)

2) I come with a cute lap dog – Not a killer one. You using your dog to get a date is like Justin Beiber using his celebrity to get a date. After awhile, you’re going to realize that the girl isn’t into you at all and has ulterior motives.

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3) College graduate – I won’t embarrass you in front of your friends. Um, I’m thinking that you will.

4) Shower twice a day – You won’t mistake me for a homeless guy when I sneak up behind you for a kiss :) Oh my God, gross. We’re kissing already? I don’t even like you. Also, generally random homeless men do not sneak up from behind me and kiss me. But thanks for your concern?

5) I have a very big umbrella for the both of us – Protective streak in me..  That’s not protective, that’s annoying. People who have big umbrellas are selfish unless they are always walking in pairs. Come on, you know  you hate that random dude taking up the entire sidewalk with his umbrella, poking everyone’s eyes out, splashing umbrella run-off water all over all the poor people without umbrellas.

6) I’m trilingual – Comes in handy in New York . (I can even order food in Chinese and Korean… impressive!) I’ll tell you what’s impressive, okay bud? I also live in New York and I have never once been unable to order Chinese food because I don’t speak Chinese.

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7) Good at Jeopardy – See reason 3. Good because I want to skip right to the part of our relationship where we aren’t having sex, not going out, hate talking to each other, and spend every night together watching Jeopardy. And you’re killing it.

8) Good at computers – I get your laptop running when it crashes. Saying you’re “good at computers” sounds a little vague. Sounds like something someone would say if they … were not good at computers. (I should know.) But dammit, when my computer crashes I am totally clueless! Where’s my knight in shining armor?! (Also, if this is a veiled sexual reference? That would be a fail as well.)

9) Will open doors for you – Chivalrous. . Ehh… careful, buddy.

10) And the most important reason (Dum roll please) – I will put the toilet seat down ! ! ! Please don’t make me picture your penis right now. We hardly know each other.