Unfortunately, it’s official: The celebrity look-alike sex doll business is booming. The blow-up version of Miley Cyrus (called “Finally Miley,” as if the whole thing weren’t already gross enough) sold out within 48 hours of launch. I hate to say it, but it’s a lot of dough to drop on an ironic purchase, right? Cruel logic dictates that — even if you filter out the “collectors” — there are a lot of genuine creeps out there who are having simulated sex with these things right now.

We obviously can’t count on the moral compasses of the manufacturers to point north, so here’s our appeal to their last shred of humanity: Please, please let us never see these 10 celebrity sex dolls hit the shelves.

1. Kristin Stewart

The fact that there’s a sex scene in the new Twilight is enough to keep me in heebie-geebies for months. The very idea of a cold, lifeless, inexpressive version of Kristen Stewart is, well, exactly like Kristen Stewart, actually.

2. Lindsay Used-to-be-Lohan

The only thing worse than sex with a creepy doll is PITY sex with a creepy doll.

3. Sarah Palin

What’s grosser than gross? A Miley Cyrus sex doll selling out in two days. What’s even grosser? Sarah Palin’s would sell out in two hours.

4. Cameron Diaz

I know you think she’s hot but look at her HUGE CREEPY HANDS (which would only be creepier in doll form).

5. Celine Dion

Actually, as long as it doesn’t sing or have a va– Oh, God. Now I can’t un-think it. Share my pain.

6. Tori Spelling

It might be okay, because no one would actually buy it. But the thought of them all just sitting in a warehouse together? More nightmare fodder than a parade of little ghost-girls skipping rope.

7. Ke$ha


8. Anyone who’s ever been on The View

Think about it. Then cut out the part of your brain that betrayed you and drown it in bleach.

9. The Octomom

How anatomically accurate do you think things are? I’m guessing terrifyingly accurate.

10. Kathy Griffin

She would probably be the first non-pornstar celebrity to endorse her sex doll.