When someone posted on Quora asking for tips on finding a spouse, I expected the usual answers: Put yourself out there! Join an extracurricular group! Go online! Instead, someone who I can only imagine has a job writing Employee Handbooks for major corporations answered, and boy does he have a regimented approach to finding a wife!

Seriously, I read this like three times to figure out if it was a joke. And then I read it a fourth time imagining it as a script for Alex Baldwin as Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. (Just mentally add “Lemon, ___” to every section heading.) And it’s perfect.

What Does Your MVP (Minimum Viable Partner) Look Like?

“Figure out what you must have and what you cannot stand. Remember, this is not about what you want or would like to have. It is about the necessary.”

NEXT: Simplify your MVP…be picky but not too picky.

Next, take the “must-haves” from your MVP list and search internet dating sites using that criteria.

“Your pool of potential partners gets smaller the more restrictive your MVP criteria is. This means that this person is going to be that much harder to find. If you are getting 10,000 results then narrow it down a bit. I’d say try to narrow things down until you get about 500 results. And then start reaching out to those 500 or so people… perhaps 10 a week. At a 10% hit rate you are bound to get at least 1 date a week.”

What, you don’t think of your dating life in terms of math?

Take A Portfolio Approach…dual vs. single engine

“A Boeing 747 has two engines. In some ways your life is a lot like a plane and you are the pilot. The passengers (your children, your parents, etc.) are depending on you. Your spouse could be a co-pilot, or your spouse could be a co-pilot who also brings another set of jet engines. In case one set of engines stall, there is another set to keep the plane flying.. or at least create a smooth landing.”

Confused? Just ask yourself this question:

“Can she get me out of a prison in a third-world country?”

Fast Failure

“Fast failure: It is hard to get to know someone, especially when you are planning on spending the rest of your life with them. Figure out what scenarios and what information can help you decide whether or not that person fits your MVP criteria.”

Move on to the next candidate!

A Note About The Author

“PS: I’m answering this question anonymously because at least as of now I don’t really feel comfortable with PDR (Public Discussion of Relationships).”

PDR? Wow.

So! The next time you feel like you need guidance for Jack Donaghy, just read this Quora post to yourself, in Alec Baldwin’s voice! It will be JUST as good.

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