In the same way that a criticism often sticks with you more strongly than a compliment, really bad sex can in many ways make a more lasting impression than good sex…and subsequently, can make whatever chemistry you had with someone disappear faster than Charlie Sheen’s relevance.

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So as part of my ongoing effort to help rid the world of bad sex (poverty can wait), here’s a list of some bad sex habits women tend to employ. Now of course, every guy has his own taste and preferences (and yes, I know a companion list for men would not be difficult to compose [editor's note: here it is]), but these are five habits that this guy thinks you should break:

1. Biting in all the wrong places:
Ear, yes; nipple, sometimes; pleasure-rod, NEVER.

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2. Porn noises:
Please no more of the too-loud fake-cheerleader “Yeah, yeah”s in that whiny high-pitched voice, ok? There’s no guy in the room with a handheld, and this isn’t going up on redtube.

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3. Reckless when on top:
Love that you’re getting that into it, but please don’t let me slip out as your body’s about to crash down. Imagine jamming your finger against a brick.

Related: What Your Favorite Sex Position Says About You
4. No sense of rhythm:
The absolute worst way to disrupt good sex is a loss or lack of rhythm – especially in those positions that demand it. So don’t be that girl who’s flailing around sporadically, or (worse) just laying there motionless [Ed.: aka Starfishing], or we’ll never get something good going.

Related: 6 Ways to Have Mindblowing Sex Without Having Intercourse
5. Non-sex-related conversation:
I’m only half-listening to ANYthing you’re saying while we’re slamming, so please don’t ask me something random like, “Does this mean we’re getting back together?” I promise you I’ll say yes, and later we’ll fight about it.

Related: 7 Conversations You Have To Have Before You Commit

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