I’m going to tell you a secret. You probably already know this, in your heart, but it’s been buried under endless top ten lists and scientific “studies.” It’s fairly obvious, but here it is: You cannot trick a man who fears commitment into committing.

And even if you think you can, you shouldn’t.

It would be dishonest to say that the promise of multiple sex partners has nothing to do with a man’s desire to stay single. It would also be dishonest to suggest that this is the main reason that men who won’t commit, won’t commit. Most of us are quite capable of beating our biological imperative to populate the world with tiny versions of ourselves into submission. But only if we think that our lives will be better in a long-term monogamous relationship.

Men who can’t commit fear that being with just one woman, if she’s not the right woman, with hold us back from fulfilling our destiny. In our minds we are the heroes of our own epic journeys. Adventure and the opportunity for Great Courage are always just around the corner even if, right now, we’re rolling burritos for a living.

Sure, we’re idiots. But the terror that many of us feel when faced with the prospect of being trapped in some bleak, stagnant existence is very real. If a man hasn’t committed by a certain age, it’s probably because he feels that a committed relationship will mean the end of his growth. Even though he knows that there’s a whole lot more growing to be done in a relationship, he still needs assurance that life doesn’t just stop once we change our relationship status.

So how does a woman get a man like this to settle down? Show him that you understand that you’re still growing too. Show him that you really like him for who he is AND for who he is becoming. Make a point of doing the things that you really love to do and stay open to new experiences. Let him know that you’re not 100% sure that he’s the only right person in the world for you, either.

In other words, do your thing, be brave and tell the truth.

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