So, you want to date a muggle, eh? Here are some tips on romance in the world for the wizard in love.

Muggle Beer Is More Potent Than Butterbeer

Your muggle might at some point suggest going to a bar or beer garden and spending an evening there. Please be aware that unlike Butterbeer, which is so mild that even 12 year-olds can drink the stuff by the pint-full, muggle beer has intoxicating effects which might prove quite severe.

In fact, drinking too many beers is akin to taking a potion of truth serum (“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before! No, listen, no listen…I mean it.”) and Gregory’s Unctuous Unction (“I am SO glad that I met you, bartender. You’re a great guy. No, really!”)

Stick to no more than two for your first time out. For a guide on what type of muggle beer to order, check out “Beer Drinking 101: What To Order To Impress Your Date.”

Please Be Punctual

In order to get from one end of the city to another, muggles need to descend into tiny, overheated caverns underground, wait on a platform as rats run about their feet, somehow squeeze themselves into a completely packed train without using an extension charm, spend 20 minutes pressed up against another sweaty muggle because there is no muggle repelling charm for muggles themselves, follow the crush of people on a tiny moving escalator back into the sunlight, blink, orient themselves, walk in one direction towards their destination, realize it’s the wrong direction, stop on the street and try to type in an address on a tiny handheld device, follow directions, and finally arrive at where they’re going.

If they can manage to deal with all that and still be on time, surely you can manage to be punctual with your floo powder, hmm?

Engorgement Charm

The Engorgement Charm (Engorgio) causes the target to swell in size. Muggles call this Viagra.

Anti-Disapparation Jinx

Sadly useless against muggles — the best way to keep one from disapparating is to be a loyal, faithful and kind partner, and even then you’ve got no guarantees.

Babbling Curse

If a muggle seems to babble on and on around you, do not assume that he or she has had a babbling curse placed on them. They probably just like you.

Love Potions

If love potions worked, truly worked, then some intrepid muggle would probably figure it out and start peddling it on TV. Alas, even wizards know that love potions aren’t completely effective.

“Powerful infatuations can be induced by the skillful potioneer, but never yet has anyone managed to create the truly unbreakable, eternal, unconditional attachment that alone can be called Love.” (HP And The Half-Blood Prince)

Football/Soccer

Dating a muggle is basically just an exercise in lowering your standards, and sports are no exception. For instance, the muggle equivalent of Quidditch is called football. Two teams run around (yes — on their legs) and try to kick a ball into a net. That’s it. That’s all that happens. People watch this for hours.

On Robes

The good news: in terms of Halloween, you’re set for life.

The bad news: you cannot wear robes in public.

Also, the black turtleneck with a black sports jacket that Draco Malfoy always sports doesn’t really work in the muggle world. And only the seriously charming can pull off handknit sweaters. (If you’re a guy don’t wear this stuff, either.. If you’re a girl, don’t wear this.)

On Owls

One part of the wizarding world that’s weirdly inefficient is the reliance on owls to deliver urgent messages. Muggles have got you beat on this one: it’s called text messaging. Text messages don’t, for instance, get tired on their journey from one phone to the next. Smartphones don’t expect to be given treats and a bowl of water upon delivering your message either. It’s truly win/win, except that muggles place a lot of importance in their messages, so it’s important to navigate carefully. Study up! (7 Reasons A Text Is Better Than A Call)

Muggle Marauder’s Map

It’s called Foursquare. It’s just like the marauder’s map except that everyone has it on their phone, which means that if you’re at a bar with some other people, your muggle significant other will know about it. Just be aware.

Extendable Ears and Invisibility Cloaks…

Are not to be used on muggles! That is an invasion of privacy. Muggles will resent you for it.

Magic In The Muggle World

Though muggles themselves don’t practice, there is magic in the muggle world. It happens on dates, when two people really like each other and everything goes perfectly. It’s worth ten thousand lunascopes and Nimbus 2000s, because it’s the absolute best magic there is.

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