Chiara did a funny thing yesterday, in which she defined what your date drink says about you. I know myself, so I am fully capable of admitting that her definitions of white wine and champagne are very reflective of my own drinking habits.

But do you know what is even more telling than what you drink? What you eat! So here’s a little rundown about what your first date meal says about you:

Burger, well done: You probably put ice in your wine and your mom still does your laundry.

Burger, rare: You are a man. A manly man. Did you add some bacon? Throw me over your shoulder, caveman, and take me home.

Any version of a soy byproduct: High maintenance alert! (Seriously, vegans, have you tried cheese? Because it is delicious)

Sushi: How original… if this was a date from 1999.

Burritos: You don’t want to have sex tonight.

Indian food: You don’t want to kiss tonight.

Armenian food: Wait, am I going on a date with my grandmother? Or are you just here because my grandmother paid you? HOW MUCH IS SHE PAYING YOU?

Pizza: You’re in high school.

Chinese: You’re in college.

Seafood: You are a fisherman! Can we go sailing on your boat? Please excuse me as I call you “Skipper” for the entirely of our relationship.

Swedish Food: Like me, you enjoy trying to pronounce words composed only of vowels and umlauts.

French food: You are trying to impress me. Well, “bien fait, monsieur.”

English food: Do you think I’m going to laugh at something called “Bangers and Mash?” I mean, yes, obviously I’m going to laugh. That is hilarious.

Cheese: Some women would scoff at a man who takes her to a place that only serves cheese. I am not one of those women.

Italian: You think I will try and recreate that scene from Lady in the Tramp. You are probably right.

Coffee: I’m sorry, I thought this was a date, not a business meeting.

Tapas: You are trying desperately to make a joke that involves the phrase “topless-tapas.” I will drink sangria until you are funny.

German Food: You seek any excuse to drink beer out of a boot.

Food you made yourself: You are a man who is able to take care of himself and is willing to put thought and effort into a lady he likes. You own things like a pot, a frying pan and at least two sets of plates and cutlery. I won’t even need a glass of wine before making out with you.

More from Joy:

When One Date Would Be Too Many
Everyone Is Someone’s ‘Excited, Sexually-Liberated Friend’
The Truth About Weddings As a Pick-Up Spot

Joy Engel lives and works in Portland, Maine where she tweets far too much and solves the occasional murder-mystery while riding around on a bicycle. Everything she writes is her personal opinion and does not necessarily represent the views of her employer or its clients.