There’s certain things you can get away with in the crazy, lazy, hazy days of summer that simply aren’t going to fly when the leaves start falling. Ever notice how there’s no such thing as an Autumn fling? That’s because the fall weather is nippy and it’s your LAST CHANCE TO FIND SOMEONE TO SUFFER THROUGH THE WINTER WITH. It’s time to get your head on straight and stop screwing around.

Here are 13 kinds of sex you can’t have after Labor Day. Best to check them all off your list this week.

1. Drunken Sex With A Stranger You Met At A Barbecue Before 4pm
2. Mostly Concealed Rooftop Sex
3. Sex On A Ferris Wheel
4. “I’m Only Here For The Summer” Sex
5. Twee, Listening To Django Rheinhardt On A Picnic Blanket Sex (Graveyard Sex acceptable through October)
6. Spike Lee/Rosie Perez in “Do The Right Thing” Ice Cube Sex
7. Loud Sex With The Windows Open
8. Sex With Someone You Plan On Breaking Up With Before The Holidays (You should really just do it now)
9. Sex With Your Booty Call Who Lives Across Town (That commute is gonna start to SUCK)
10. Sex On The Beach (You also can’t order that at a bar anymore)
11. Fleetwood Mac “Lay Me Down In The Tall Grass And Let Me Do My Stuff” Sex
12. Sex In An Outdoor Pool/Hot Tub (Indoor still okay)
13. Sex While Wearing White (Not sure about undies. I think that’s acceptable.)

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