AskMen recently published an analysis of what a man’s preferred sex position says about the man who prefers them. It’s a little bleak.

For example, your predilection toward doggy style indicates that you “have a real disdain toward women, and you try and degrade them any chance you get” — an assessment that is really kind of degrading to both men and women in and of itself.

Sure, it’s a joke. But it’s a joke that supports the very worst, most harmful assumptions about men’s sexuality. I could go on and on about the ways in which such a joke shames both men and women for having the kind of sex they want to have, not to mention the fact that some of the most loving, connected sex I’ve had in my life has been in the canine position — but I would l probably only be written off as a wet blanket by the ranks of bro-dom.

So, rather, I’d like to provide an alternative. Here’s the breakdown of what I think your favorite way to do it really says about who you are.

Doggy Style: You’re not afraid of your wilder nature.

Cowgirl: On top — You’re comfortable with yourself.
On the bottom — You like to see everything for yourself.

Reverse Cowgirl: On the top — You’re free-spirited.
On the bottom — You’re a dude.

Spooning: You flourish when you feel secure.

Seated: On top — Just because you’re open emotionally doesn’t mean you’re needy.
On the bottom — Just because you think you deserve to be treated like a goddamn king doesn’t mean you can’t be vulnerable.

Standing in the Shower: Just because you’re efficient doesn’t mean you’re boring.

“The Piledriver”: You. Get. Sh*t. Done.

Receiving Oral: You have no problem being taken care of.

Giving Oral: You’re a hero.

Anal: If you’re the giver — You think you deserve all of the the best that life has to offer.
If you’re the receiver — you’re kind of intense.

Double Penetration: You don’t really tend to do anything half-assed, do you?

69: You have a strong sense of justice.

Standing: You’re willing to work hard to get what you want.

Up Against The Wall: You’re into instant gratification.

Missionary: You’re a serial monogamist.

Did we miss your favorite? Tell us in comments and we’ll tell you what it reveals about you!