Seeking: The Perfect Autumn Boyfriendby Chiara Atik on September 26, 2020
A Summer Fling is the light-hearted guy who makes out with you at clambakes and BBQs, while a Winter Boyfriend is made to last from December to March. But what type of guy should you be looking for in Autumn?
The Autumn Boyfriend is far more rugged than the men you date the rest of the year. In summer, you need a medium-level active boyfriend: someone with whom to day drink, to lounge by the pool or beach, to toss a frisbee. In winter, a mostly sedentary homebody is preferable: the type of guy who prefers games of Boggle and glasses of wine to anything that involves dragging you outdoors, where it’s cold.
The Autumn Boyfriend, however, will seize on those perfect two months of crisp weather and tempt you outside as much as possible. He’ll want to take you leaf-peeping, he’ll take you apple picking, he’ll suggest a great hiking spot and pack a bottle of wine. Suddenly, your life will start to look like like an L.L. Bean Catalogue: your weekends will become montages of beautiful vistas and seasonal activities. You’ll probably make out in a pile of leaves, which miraculously, will be completely dry and clean and soft.
The Autumn Boyfriend wears a peacoat and flannel and that scarf that you inexpertly knit, but which still manages to look ridiculously handsome on him. His belly suggests hearty, but not excessive, doses of Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Spiked Cider, and cornbread stuffing. He’ll have a beard that brings to mind a modern fusion of Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, and The Pilgrims.
One day, he’ll surprise you with a few gourds he bought at the grocery store, because Autumn is his favorite season, and these made him think of you. You’ll be touched, and you’ll put them on your windowsill.
When you shyly suggest carving pumpkins as a Sunday Night activity, The Autumn Boyfriend will become endearingly excited. He’ll help you spread newspaper on the floor of your kitchen and you’ll sit together, scooping out the pumpkin goop, which he’ll playfully throw at you. You’ll carve a scary face in your Jack-O-Lantern; he’ll carve your initials in his. You’ll place them on the window sill, next to the gourds.
Of course he wants to spend Halloween together. Of course he wants to wear a themed couple costume with you.
You’ll spend the evenings in cozy pubs you never knew existed: they all serve cider and have roaring fireplaces. Afterwards, you’ll take long night walks. The weather is getting colder. You intertwine your hands through the sleeves of your jackets.
If you’re lucky, Autumn Boyfriend will seamlessly turn into Winter Boyfriend: he’ll happily keep you company indoors all winter long, and be just as handsome in snow as he is in leaves. Or maybe, Autumn Boyfriend doesn’t change at all, but you’ve discovered you like the guy underneath, despite the season.
Or, by the time the first snow falls, and the jack-o-lantern and gourds have wilted on your window sill, your relationship with Autumn Boyfriend will have run its course.
But hurry! We’re already four days into Fall! Find your Autumn Boyfriend fast, or they’ll all be at the pumpkin patch with some other perennial girl.