How To Have Great Sex in a New Relationshipby Steph Auteri on October 14, 2020
The first few dates are always the most mentally exhausting. Throughout the duration, you can’t stop all that self-interrogation:
Should I go all sex kitten with my new minidress, or opt for effortlessly sexy? Should I show up a few minutes early, or aim for fashionably late? Will I get parsley in my teeth if I order that pasta dish? Should I play it safe and order the fruit cup? Am I revealing too much? Not talking enough?
At the beginning, you’re on your best behavior, trying to strike just the right balance of cool, casual, desirable, interesting, rock star. Thinking of throwing sex into the mix? Please. Don’t have a panic attack.
Hopefully, the right time to get down and dirty with your new beau will reveal itself to you naturally, with violins and a slow motion kiss. But how can you ensure that it’s not the most awkward sex you’ve ever had? How can you ensure that it’s great sex, despite the newness of your relationship?
Sex counselor Ian Kerner — founder of Good in Bed and the author of She Comes First — often says that the brain is the biggest sex organ. And while it can be difficult to use it while in the throes of passion, it would benefit you greatly to dig deep during your bedroom acrobatics, consult your brain, and use the powers of communication to achieve red hot sex. How?
It’s simple: Ask for what you want in bed. And lest you think such a conversation would be awkward in itself, we assure you that there at least five ways to do so, all without ruining the mood.
1. Show, don’t tell.
Do you want him to run his hands firmly down your back? Run your hands firmly down his back. Do you want him to back off of the face-swallowing kisses in favor of softer, sweeter smooches? Show him how it’s done! Do you want it harder… faster? Grab hold of him, pull him close, and let your hips do the talking. Our partners often mirror us in bed, or touch us in the way they want to be touched.
2. Tell a sexy story.
Frame your sexual needs within the context of fantasy. Tell her, “I’ve always fantasized about…” or “How hot would it be if… ?” Inviting your partner along on a sexual journey is way hotter than giving step-by-step instructions before you even peel off the bra.
3. Give positive reinforcement.
When he does something that curls your toes… tell him! Is she blowing her mind with the way she’s moving her tongue? Say so! “That feels sooo good,” “Yes! Yes! YES!” or drawn-out moans and heavy breathing all hint at your satisfaction level. Once they realize they’re doing something right, they’ll want to do it again (and again, and again).
4. Make demands.
If you have a sexual itch that needs to be scratched, feel free to get demanding. Insist that you want to be touched there, or pinched there, or thrust harder, or run his nails down your back.
5. Ask for feedback.
Sex is a two-way street, so don’t get so caught up in your own pleasure that you forget to make sure your partner’s having a good time. Ask: “Do you like it when I do that?” Firmly request that they tell you what they want.
When all is said and done — though sex is rarely porntastically perfect — engaging in this sort of dirty talk will ensure that your first few times together are still pretty damn fantastic.
Make sure to let it be known you had a great time, and are looking forward to the next roll in the hay. How? Simply say, “How great was last night!? I can’t wait to do it again!” That’s all they need to hear.
Steph Auteri is a writer specializing in sex, relationships, and other sources of angst related to the back-and-forth between men and women. She has been published in Time Out New York, New York Press, Playgirl, Nerve, The Frisky, and other bastions of fine writing. She also co-authored an ebook — 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex — with sex counselor Ian Kerner. You can feel free to Twitter-stalk her here.