Esquire is famous for running content for men written by women just how men hope women write but don’t, and this is not the first time I have thought WHAT? But here: in their Sex and the American Man series, author Lisa Taddeo explains (honestly) why women cheat. I will break it down for you:

All wives ruin their husbands’ lives. “Every time I meet a married woman, I think about the things she does that likely annoy her husband.”

Lisa Taddeo thinks a great deal about the evanescence of sexuality. “I think a great deal about the evanescense of sexuality.”

Lisa Taddo thinks that everyone cheats. “If you have not cheated yet, it’s because you are still too grateful to be secure, or you have not yet had the opportunity, or the right color of red hair has not come along and sat down at the bar on a Tuesday when the jukebox was playing Leonard Cohen and your manhattan tasted like the future.”

Lisa Taddeo thinks that adultery teaches us stuff and wants to hurt people in the way she is afraid they will hurt her. “I’ve been with married men, which I feel taught me to be careful not to get hurt, to know that one day it could happen to me.”

Lisa Taddeo doesn’t believe in marriage herself, so she doesn’t think others should believe in it either, even if — especially if — they are already married. ”I’m not sure I believe in it. ”

Lisa Taddeo lost her parents and she’s worried about losing everyone. “So I don’t ever put myself in a position to lose… Since the death of my parents, it’s been easier for me to associate with the devils.”

Lisa Taddeo wants to be a winner, and she doesn’t care who she has to step on to be one. “More than the illicitness of the sexuality, there’s a sexuality to the selfishness. To doing precisely what you want to do. Being crudely, smilingly, on the side of the winners. I’m arguing for Wild Moments, because you never know what your last one will be.”

It’s also just physical. “I’m always answering for the men who aren’t present. Yes there’s the physical, I just want to put it inside her right this second because she’s new and her smell is new and her hair isn’t blond.”

Lisa Taddeo is terrified. “Yes, [I feel bad for the woman getting cheated on]. But not as afraid as I am of being her.”

I talked about Taddeo’s piece with my mom. “Will Esquire please stop telling men all our “secrets”?” She said. “It’s true, we love wearing teddies around the house, giving blow jobs, and we secretly admire the women who cheat with our husbands and boyfriends. Those Esquire editors need a good bitch slapping. Lisa, time will take care of you, my dear. Let’s see how you feel about women like you in 15 or 20 years.”

I think Lindy West said it best, though, on Jezebel: “‎”Oops, I’m dead now. I died. I’m a dead person now. You did it. Murder was the case. My manhattan tastes like being dead now.” (Read the Jezebel piece, it’s really good.)

Me, I’m just speechless.