Sarah Tressler is a woman who, in my hometown, we might describe as “doing the Lord’s work.” As a society reporter in Texas by day and stripper/blogger by night, she writes about her sexual escapades in a hilarious way. And one of those escapades was with actor Jeremy Piven, back when he was on Entourage and Sarah was an intern for Us Weekly. Here’s a bit of what she had to say about him:

If being a stripper has taught me anything, it’s that I can spot a grade-A douche bag a mile away, and that those people aren’t worth the amount of energy it would take to walk across the room to get away from them if they manage to morph into your personal space, so it’s best to keep your distance. I’ve also learned that any guy interested in getting to know a girl in more than a Biblical way will not do certain things:

1) He won’t openly insult the wait staff while you’re having a conversation.

2) He won’t Look Deeply Into Your Eyes like no one else is there and then get distracted by his BlackBerry for five minutes.

3) He won’t ask you to come to his house ten minutes after having just met you (with five of those ten minutes spent text messaging).

Spoiler alert: the Douche in question is Jeremy Piven. She interviewed him for the magazine, he was a dick to her, and then they went back to his place and fooled around.

Sex with someone new is always awkward, and sex with someone new who’s also the object of my celebrity schoolgirl desire is very awkward and not enjoyable, no matter how much I want it to be. I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my p*ssy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.

Later, he shows up an hour and a half late to a date and admits that he is seeing someone else but hopes he and Sarah can keep hooking up. It’s a hilarious-yet-depressing story that could have been ripped from my own early 20s with the sole difference being that my dumb romantic decisions didn’t involve anyone famous.

What did we learn here? That mixing work and sex is usually a bad idea. That mixing work as a celebrity reporter and sex with a celebrity is usually a bad idea. And that no one should ever, ever sleep with a dude who thinks it’s okay to be a douche to his assistant and to wait staff. Ladies, consider yourselves warned.

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