A 35 year-old man who likes “EDM and college chicks” recently wrote in to LA Weekly’s Ask a Teen Raver to find out which drugs, exactly, should take (or claim to take) in order to find the addled co-ed of his dreams.

“I have awesome tattoos and crab abs, so I have no problem catching young ladies’ eyes, but once we start to converse about EDM artists and the drugs we like, they start to lose interest when I tell them I like Paul Oakenfold and free-basing cocaine. Apparently, the kids of today aren’t down with Oakie and free-basing.”

Luckily, the teen raver knew just the pills to get in good with the ladies. Because the way to any woman’s heart, obviously, is through her…drug use.

“Try saying regular Ecstasy, Molly or just pills. Maybe even bring up smoking some Mary Jane?? HAHA try some of those and if it doesn’t work let me know and we can try some other things.”

HAHA, ok, good luck dude!